In The Reindeer’s Defence

Dear reader

To paraphrase the Madonna herself, we are living in a cynical world, and I am a cynical gir…boy? (Does this even work? And for all her bangers, where’s her big Christmas song, eh? And now I’m spiralling, wondering if one could count Like A Prayer as a Christmas song, only to realise that those lyrics make it sounds like a…well…

Song lyrics. That’s the thing. The lyrics sink into your head like this virus, and you sing along, and even when you think about it, you don’t really think about it, until you notice something and the truth all comes tumbling out.

It’s December 2025 and, befitting the time of year, have been listening to Christmas FM. Because it would be rude not to (and because, on the days when I’m working remote, the husband tends to be putting on the radio when we’re having lunch.)

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer has been played more than once and, based on its age, the American twang, and the fact that there are far better Christmas songs out in the world, it was never as popular as Wham! or Band Aid or the many (many…) others. As such, I’ve never really thought about the song.

Not until yesterday, when something occurred in my head and I wondered about the darkness, and I had to address the issue.

The grandfather is a violent force of evil, and this kid is in need of rescue.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer, you say? Indulge my linguistic experience, whilst I analyse such a phrase. “Run over”, a phrase that is used in a world of traffic; such a phrase would suggest that the reindeer was not the one to do the running over, but rather a careless driver (perhaps one who has had a bit too much to drink. Tis the season, after all.)

But, let’s go deeper. Grandma’s reason for being on the road? She was returning home (after drinking too much eggnog) to get her medication. In a song being sang/narrated by a grandchild, one can assume she was “returning home” from her kid’s residence, because she “forgot” her medication.
Or did she?

When it comes to medication (and alcohol consumption) over the Christmas period, and the connection between the two, if a medication is important enough that one must take it regularly, one would perhaps take before going to the family gathering, or bring with. And, if one truly forgets, one would be reminded by another family members before departure. Or, would perhaps, make that journey on your behalf, ensuring that you remain warm and comfortable in their seasonal state of joy.

But, in such an instance, there are no family members who offer this? And one wonders why not? One wonders what element of kindness is denied from this older lady, with her health issues, however mild or meaningless they may be (after all, perhaps she just has bad heartburn, given the season and associated diet.)

I put it to you, dear reader, that grandma left this familial event intentionally for one of many reasons. Perhaps her family were just that annoying. Perhaps her grandson was merely irritating with his foolish ideas about Christmas?

The song touches on the mirth of such an hilarious situation, but in doing so, neglects the horrors involved in blaming the cruel earth and our natural co-inhabitants. What of that poor reindeer, the blame thrown so aggressively in their direction, repeating same with each chorus, including same in the song’s title. There is no question in this analysis…probably because it’s Christmas time and the cops are still on annual leave.

I also suggest that said reindeer is discussed in an un-gendred singular tone. Not only is the reindeer given no identity, no sense of self or being, discussed in this soleless fashion, but also the cruel truth that grandma was “run over” by a. Singular. Reindeer.

The song suggests that said reindeer (with the notions of belief) is one of Santa’s. But, if such is the case….why would said reindeer be there, and then, at that given time? Given the size and scope of Santa’s journey during the Christmas period, one would think that, if grandma indeed were “run over by a reindeer,” she would, be “stomped over, several times, by several reindeer, with her remains damaged in such excessive gory fashion by multiple reindeers - and sled - that her remains would be unidentifiable, and the road itself would be so monstrously red that a mere child would be loaded with such trauma that they could not sing a song with such imagery.”

I put to you, dear reader, that said reindeer is innocent. And the true villain is…

The truth is….

The Grandfather did it.

(Obviously.)

Bribing his grandchild with elevation of his whimsical childish innocence, merely to serve his own murderous escapades.

I suggest to you, dear reader…that the child may be next.